pay it forward

I'm pleased as punch to announce my presence on the timesunion.com's 'Pay it Forward' blog!

I have been an avid reader/viewer/snooper of the Times Union's (TU) blogs for many years now and never really thought that someday I would be a contributor.  This past summer, I was contacted by the TU to contribute to their many bloggers online. I was up to my elbows in martinis alligators, and knew I didn't have time to dedicate to more work. Times have changed, and when they contacted me again in early 2012, I decided this was something that I not only wanted to do, but needed to do.

I will be joining Mary Kenney, on 'Pay it Forward', where I will share my story about my donation, along with some other sarcastic commentary I feel I need to vent weekly to those that are bored enough to visit. Mary and I share the same philosophy, the same cravings for margaritas, and a helluva head of hair. She's the total package and I'm blessed to have made this connection with someone so special. Plus, she's smart. I love smart people.

So, give us a try and tune in often to see what kind of goodness and genuine concern we can bring to the table.

My introductory post is up today, stop in and see me! 

jogging to julia

I'm well rested. I should be, since it's now winter and I think the last time I posted a personal update, there were still leaves on the trees. I say I'm rested because I've been tired, for about 4 months now. Exhausted is more like it. Life is good, but I've been frustrated with a few areas of my life and my brain hurts from thinking too much. I have this ability to endure physical exhaustion much more than the emotional kind. I can work nonstop on my feet for days without a break, but ask me to find a solution to a life problem, and I cave until I can get another 9 hours of sleep.  Let's just say that I'm in transition now. I have made some decisions that I feel are going to be positive and challenging. Gotta have that challenge, right? Challenge is knowledge and knowledge is growth. So, stay tuned for updates.

If you've been following my journey through 2011, you all know that I made a decision to run a half marathon before the end of the year. On October 30, 2011, I finished the Los Angeles Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon in 2:20:51.

Sweaty, and stinky I'm sure, minutes after crossing the finish line.

My hand-crafted race day shirt, worn proudly.

The race was awesome! I had such a great time. I can still recall so many moments on the course. Probably one of the most rewarding and memorable experiences in my life. Right up there with the county fair. I'm not gonna lie to you, it was difficult and there were moments after mile 11 that I was asking myself why in the hell I chose this challenge instead of a hot dog eating one. But, I powered through and got my second-wind once I caught a glimpse of the finish line and the beer truck.

As I pounded the pavement that day, thoughts of meeting Julia, my recipient, filtered in and out of my head. Excited, anxious, curious and a teeny-tiny bit nervous. I can't say I had any expectations. It's a waste of time, as far as I'm concerned. Like anticipating when Derek will pop the question. I have no doubt he will, I just need to be patient and wait until he can rack in another $20 mil before we settle down.

I was staying in L.A. and she lives approximately 2.5 hours away. We mutually decided to meet at a Chili's restaurant and have a late lunch, so her daughter could join us after school. So, on Halloween morning, I schlepped a gallon of Starbucks coffee and my GPS all the way to Bakersfield, CA.

Me and my big hair arrived early (I'm OCD), and impatiently waited for her to arrive. My hands started sweating and I suddenly started feeling that ickiness in my tummy that would hit me every time I had a blind date. What if she doesn't show? What if she backs out at the last minute because she is having second thoughts?

Ten minutes later (how dare she be late) she walked in with her adorable daughter. We hugged and promptly took a seat in a booth in a hard-to-find, quiet corner. I perused the menu for something that wouldn't give me gas, or add an extra 5 lbs. to my delicate and fragile frame. What I really wanted was a margarita. That would have been a nice Kodak moment to capture, right? Me, my margarita and my California kidney. Conversation was very generic and initially focused on what else, Halloween. We chatted about her daughter and her school, the community and naturally - the weather. I decided that I was not going to lead the conversation, but instead take a step back and let her ask the questions. After all, just having this opportunity to be face-to-face with the woman that now has my kidney inside of her was more than I could ever ask for. Firing questions at her regarding her personal life was in my opinion, none of my business.

She shared much more with me about her journey, her illness, her time on the list, her dialysis treatments and her frustrations of waiting for a donor. She asked few questions, but one of which I didn't expect.

"What made you decide to donate?"

And so, I shared my story, which really isn't too much of a story. "Because I can. Because I wanted to provide someone in need, with just a little nugget of the good health that I was fortunate enough to have every day I wake up. It really wasn't a big deal, Julia."

She looked at me, and paused as tears fell down her cheeks, "It is a big deal, Angela. It's a very big deal. It's a big deal to me, my family and my daughter. You have completely changed my life."

And as she said that, it was then that I realized what I had done. This woman sitting across from me in a Chili's restaurant, in Bakersfield, CA is living with my kidney. Very surreal.

We spent 2.5 hours together, sharing stories of our families, our challenges and our goals. It was getting late, and time for her daughter to begin her trick-or-treating, so we decided to part. As we got up from the table I happened to look down at the floor and noticed a dragonfly tattoo on her foot. I asked her about it, and she told me that she loves dragonflies and collects anything with a dragonfly on it. I immediately thought of my blog, and the illustration featured on my page that I created in the summer of 2010.

Everything happens for a reason.

Julia and I, October 31, 2011 - Bakersfield, CA

2,861 miles away and alive, in julia

My physical recovery from my surgery has been going so smoothly, and improving at a much faster rate than I had anticipated. I'm still feeling lethargic, but it's not stopping me from pushing forward. I'm running again - well, skipping/shuffling/scooting, is more like it. It's coming back, but I am taking it easy and only increasing my time/pace minimally to avoid any setbacks.

My emotional state since my donation has been better than expected as well. I feel fantastic, and probably more alive than ever. I feel like my spirit is lifted, my heart and soul is fulfilled. To be honest, I never really felt like this surgery was a 'big deal'. Yes, it was a pain in the a** getting stuck with a needle a thousand times, and all the emails, phone calls and organization of the logistics during this journey was quite honestly, just annoying. But that's it. No. Big. Deal. I hopped on the table in the O.R. for my surgery, I awoke hours later, I rested for a week and now I'm at close to 100%, or at least I feel like I am.

The past week or so I have been thinking more about my recipient. Wondering...How she was doing? Was she healing, or was she suffering setbacks? What about her new New York kidney - was it living up to its expectations, or was it checking out once in a while for a Pinot Grigio and a glance at Derek suffering the loss during his last game of the season? I have heard nothing from her transplant coordinator and decided that I would give her a call in about two weeks to see if she could 'check in' on my lil' kidney. She mentioned to me in a phone call the day after my surgery, that the recipient wanted to contact me and would do so by letter. Just like my grandmother waiting for her TV Guide Magazine, I sprinted to the mailbox daily, with hopes of seeing an envelope postmarked with a big "CA". I truly felt like I would never hear from her, and had pretty much accepted that, sadly, but never regretting once my decision to donate. Everything happens for a reason and I felt that if she didn't want to reach out to me, she had her good reasons, and that's ok.

On Saturday, October 23rd, I pulled an envelope from my mailbox, postmarked from Bakersfield, CA. I barely had a moment to retrieve it from the box before my heart and eyes poured tears of joy. My hands shaking, my eyes crying and my heart filling with purpose. I haven't cried that hard since Ricky Martin came out of the closet. It was ridiculous and had I been in front of an audience, I would have died of embarrassment. It took about 3 minutes before I could even open it, I was admiring her handwriting and my mind was buzzing with curiosity as to what was inside. Quite honestly, I didn't care. She could have inserted a coupon for a free car wash and signed her name and I would have been satisfied. Just the very thought of receiving contact from her was very emotional for me. I had been waiting and wanting, but truly feeling like it might not ever happen.

I pulled out the notebook paper folded neatly inside and out popped a small photo of her taken with her husband and daughter. So, again, the tears were flowing like a river and I'm gasping for air. Look! - it's my recipient, there she is with my kidney inside of her!  She's real, and that's her family right there in front of my eyes! I can't believe it's real and that this is the person that is living freely with my crazy little bean inside of her. Unbelievable!

Her letter so beautifully scripted, so precise and elegant, so gracious and kind, thoughtful and caring. It was so much more than I ever had expected.

             "...you donating your healthy kidney to me has given me 
              a second chance at living a longer, more healthy, and 
              more fulfilled life. You, Angela are my 'Angel' and I 
              will always hold on to that."


              "...recovery for me has been going well. My labs have
               been great and the doctors are happy with my new 
               kidney function."


               "...know how grateful and thankful I am for the best 
               gift I could receive... your donation was the beginning 
               of a chain that will save so many other lives - may 
               God bless you abundantly for your act of kindess."


Two pages of sincere gratitude and honest thoughts that mean more to me than I ever imagined. After reading this, I now know that this was a big deal -  a very big deal. It's really real and I am amazed that I am sitting here today in New York, and my kidney is 2,861 miles on the other side of this country providing a new lease on life inside a woman that I have never met. It has finally hit me and this entire journey that all along seemed so simple is now so much more. I am thrilled and filled, with emotion. I am blessed and proud to have given this gift. I am so very excited to begin a beautiful connection with this woman that will forever be a part of me, this woman named Julia.

Again I am asking you, the reader, to please just entertain the thought for a moment as to how easy and possible it is to donate your healthy kidney to another that so desperately needs it.  I encourage you all to at the very least consider the conversation with yourself. You can't imagine how meaningful this experience is, and how little sacrifice you are making to provide someone with a much deserved quality of life that most of us take for granted. Ask me how you can become a non-directed kidney donor - how you can save a life.

Until next time... Happy Halloween!

gifts

I have a close friend that gets so anxious when she receives gifts. Makes her feel uncomfortable, as she puts it. I kinda share her feelings on this, but not on my birthday. Bring. It. On! The intention is to feel self-absorbed on your birthday, and it's the one day out of the year where it's perfectly acceptable for it to be "all about me." Right?

It's the other occasions when I feel a little weird about receiving a gift - ya know, like a wedding shower. I mean, think about it for a minute, really. Let me see if I got this right - I am choosing to make a union with a partner for life (or not - oops, did I say that out loud?) and social norms have dictated that people throw presents at me because of that. I know, it was a different economic climate 50 years ago and when couples chose to marry, they didn't have a pot to piss in because they were like 12 years old. Ok, not 12 but 18. Makes sense to me that they might need a set of sheets and a pot to boil some water in (for the potatoes and cabbage). I find it's not necessary that this tradition still exists and wish it would slowly fade away to be buried with the other ridiculous ceremonial practices of the generations past. Wedding gifts today are expected, pre-selected, ostentatious, and impractical.

The gifts that I just can't seem to get enough of are the ones without the tags and the gift receipt attached. I'm talking about the gifts you receive from the heart, the ones that require the labor of love, the hours of a day, the shoulder that's there for you to cry on and the laughter from the time spent with a close friend. The gifts I love most are those of experiences, not items:

• my mom cooking a wonderful dinner for me and baking her yummy desserts - more junk in my trunk
• my family helping me move - only 12 times
• my close friend spending time with me chatting and laughing over a bottle of wine - don't worry, my kidney told me it hates wine
• surprise Sunday adventures that fill me with happiness, planned by a special friend
• emails from old friends that have slipped away over the years
• a card in the mail
• a smile from a stranger - like from the cute guy at the gym that is half my age and doesn't know I exist

You get it, don't you? I know I do. These gifts are special because they are unconditional. They are not listed on an index card that Hallmark created as a suggestion to present to someone. They are presented with unconditional love, thoughtfulness and care. They are experiences, not items that can be purchased in a store. Although every girl can appreciate a little trinket, in a little box, with a little light blue logo that starts with a "T" and ends in an "s". I'm just sayin'. 

The best gift I feel that I have been given is my health. Mom, don't get your panties in a wad because I didn't say 'the green acrylic sweater you gave me for Christmas in 1985'. Sorry about that, but you'll get over it. I rarely have to think twice about an ailment I have. Why? Because I rarely have one. For those of you that are stricken with chronic pain, disease, or even a disability, I give you all the credit in the world. I can't imagine the struggle and discomfort that you must endure every day. I don't have any of those challenges in my life. I wake up, and outside of being stiff from an intense workout the day before, I feel fantastic! I am so fortunate, and blessed to have a body that is not impeded in any way. I love the feeling of getting a yearly physical and actually get excited to read the blood test results. Everything internal works just as it should - with the exception of when I consume a Jimbo combined with a Bomber's burrito too late at night. 

I really feel that God has given me this good health for a reason. My decision to donate my kidney is my unconditional gift to my recipient. I don't know who this will be, and I might not ever meet them. But that's ok, because I don't need to. This isn't about the response or reaction from the recipient. It's about my ability to pass something on to someone that will hopefully create a better life for them. I feel so fortunate to have such wonderful health that it's a no-brainer to not pay it forward. It's like a chain of goodness. I've been given this gift, now I want to give my gift. Hey, I have two of them anyway, right? That would be greedy of me to keep them both, plus I want to make room for more of my mom's desserts down there. I'm giving a gift that is very special to me that I know I appreciate and never take for granted. I know that there is someone out there that needs this, much more than I do. So, take my gift to you, and with it I hope that you can find even a small nugget of the good life that it has given me.

Until next time... word hard, but play harder - we only get one shot at this.